Being Single


The accuracy of her words is mindblowing!

People need to understand that there are just some people who choose their life path differently other than what society demands. When someone is single, everyone will easily judge and say inappropriate things like “Maybe she needs to loose some weight”, “He needs to get a better job to afford a relationship”, “She’s too brilliant, boys will be intimidated”, “He’s gay”, “She was divorced, no one wants a widow with kids”, “He’s not that good looking but too picky!” etc.

Why is it when someone is single, that means that he/she isn’t ‘chosen’? Why is it necessary to fabricate a bad sentiment to victimize some people with different values and probably unpleasant past experiences? Not all single people are desperate because there’s no offer on the table. Most of the times, they are the tables.

“Most single people understand the importance of protecting their good energy” – Michelle Obama


Body Celebration

As I have just come to my sense that this cruel world has always been trying to show the life of hell to each of its creature by creating this natural instinct of insecurity that is spread externally and internally, I am finally choosing to refuse all the judgement of myself, by myself, and to myself, especially of how I should appreciate the way I look.

I spent almost the past 10 years of my life believing my soul has been fitted to an un-ideal body as it is bigger than what society thinks it should be, and that bigotry stops now!

Me and my body are as beautiful as a morning sunrise or any of your favourite things. I will still appreciate my body by supplying it with good consumption of food and having exercise as having a tight skin still obviously look nice, but if none of that goodwill turn out to be the way as what ideal beauty demands, I will never be sad and just be totally rocking it.

Wearing larger size of clothing will not me less valuable or less worthy. My body is a celebration and if the society thinks that I look big or fat, none of that thought are my problems. When you tell me “you’re fat!”, that’s your problem and you can all suck it! 😉

Small Boy, Big Dream – You Won’t Understand

My blog posts haven’t been that useful in 2015. Excuses are better be left unsaid because to be honest, what am I defending for? I don’t have that much of blog followers on the first place.

Several weeks before it happened, I allocated some spaces in my brain to think of how I would spend the Christmas long weekend. This may sound exaggerating –you know, my life as usual– but I put a lot of thought in it. I was thinking of several options as, thank God, I live in a country where literally anywhere is beautiful. And for the sake of the memory, at the end I put the dot on my map to this place where several parts of my character was shaped. And then it became the travelling of a reminder. A reminder of what kind of person I was, a reminder what kind of person I wished I would become.

I hopped in to the bus around 12 PM that 24 December. I read from social media that the traffic was literally crazy, but yeah bitch, what would my life be without craziness? I was lucky that I could sit as the bus was literally full of people who were probably tired of the city, excited to see other places, or just simply missed home. Another man sat next to me, an ear phone was plugged in to his ears as he was sleeping unbotheredly, great skill.

I committed myself to do a digital detox; I would turn off any internet connection and be in the ‘real life’ during the trip. It was such a perfect timing as I did not really have to reply emails or did some other work related things, I just wanted to be a hippie –And I am not using this in a sarcastic term–, I would not care about anything else other than what I would actually be experiencing in those 4 days, and I expected that to be lovely.

But then life was always a bitch. Traffic was, to be exact. It took 11 hours to arrive in the town where it usually took only 5 hours to visit. It was an hour after midnight and the early morning was really cold at the bus station. Everything was basically the same at that station: several buses were lining up to drop the passangers, the corner stores were open with limited lighting, and many motorcycle and pedicab drivers offered everyone their transportation service, it did feel really nostalgic. But it was really different as I was just literally alone.

I asked one random driver to bring me to the nearest hotel for me to stay overnight. It took 2 places before there was an inn that actually had an available room for a lonely visitor to stay. The lady was extremely friendly to me and to another couple that I thought only wanted to stay there to have sex. You know I’m really judgmental.

The couple was disgusted by the shitty room as they went with a motorcycle in that cold morning but I guess I did not have any choice. Dirty might be a strong word but the room was so far to be said as proper, it was really ‘different’.

“I will change the sheet” Said the lady as like it would help the room to be more proper.

“This should be fun and nothing wrong with having a different experience” I convinced myself, and it was really sincere. That was supposed to be the travelling of a reminder and I reminded not to complain. Besides, I was tired anyways and I would not do anything but sleep and I would just leave in the morning.

I woke up around 10 PM the next day and as planned, immediately leave the inn to explore the city a little bit before continuing to the final destination. I took another pedicab and went to the downtown, looking around to re-feel the “city warmth”, tasted good local foods, and did a Friday prayer in the City’s Great Mosque – all by my own.

The digital detox was working perfectly fine as well. I talked to real people when I wanted to know the direction, or when I was waiting for the angkot , sort of a van that became a public transportation in most Indonesian cities. I knew more about the people and their background I was actually facing rather than spending my time looking at the phone screen and putting love on people-whom-I-don’t-actually-know on instagram pictures,  it just felt damn nice! I wish the people of Jakarta would be more friendly so everytime I talked to random people on the street, they would be more welcoming and would not think that I am capable of doing bad things to them.

After a full-hour of eye indulgence when I saw anywhere was nothing but prettiness, I arrived in my destination around 4 PM in the afternoon. I ran to my house, where I spent several time of my life with people I really cared about, and surprised everyone as I did not tell everyone that I would go ‘home’.


“You look more handsome!” Ibu –The Indonesian nick for mother and as how I called my host mom– said. “Of course!” I replied. Typical me.

I had a great conversation with the members of the house, updating each other’s life and laughing the fool things we did that we could remember. I left the house for an afternoon walk before the sun set. That was the second Christmas day I spent in that place I called home.



The sun almost set behind the green mountains. Everything still existed, the mural, the library (they even have a new one!), the village hall, the ram statue, the football court, and of course the ram fighting arena with its famous huts. I broke my heart that Christmas afternoon, right in the heart of Cikandang Village.


Back in 2011, I had an international youth exchange where they put together 9 Canadian Youth and 9 Indonesian Youth in one group to live together in both Canadian and Indonesian community for several months and aimed for International relations, mutual understanding, cultural exchange, sustainable changemaking, youth leadership and other endless positivity.  We were placed in the city of Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island for the Canadian Phase and the village of Cikandang, a mountainous village in Southern Garut, West Java. We left the village at the end of the program around end of March 2012 with many beautiful memories.


I have actually been back visiting the village after the program for three times with some other people, but the last time was in 2013, just right before I departed to Bahrain. So this visit was actually my first visit in 2 years, and the very first time when I came back literally alone in Cikandang.

My heart broke not because I haven’t moved on with my life. In fact, I did not even know what broke me inside to be exact. Maybe the fact that I was visiting with no friends or the reminder of how I envisioned the future-Feby in the past.


I am really grateful of how my life turned after the program. I moved out from my hometown and I befriended great helpful people that gave me descent jobs in the capital city, Jakarta. I was blessed to have another opportunity to live in another foreign country, learning new stuffs and living in a total different culture, and especially at this time of my life when I was having my best job yet with lovely people around me, no reason to complain about life.

But something was missing….

And it was not my body fat, obviously. I did not know, It was maybe my attention to humanity, my sensitivity or my motivation to spread positivity.

Saying that I am not as a positive person as I was is too strong of an argument, especially it also indicates of how exaggerated I judged myself in the past. I mean, who claimed themselves of creating positive vibes by themselves? Maybe some people but I don’t think that’s my call.

Instead, I have the right to say something has definitely has changed. And honestly, until this particular word, I have no idea where this article will lead to and how it will end. Thoughts in my head are just like strings that can be straighten from earth to moon and back, but now it’s tangled. It became really messy that made it just as big as a tennis ball.

I was lucky to be born in a supportive family where my opinions and willingness are always heard and appreciated. The situation probably shaped my character to be a decisive individual and I always see the goal in any actions that I did. Every single one of them.

But I just felt that being adult is not that easy….

Life has always been a total player for every human in any ways possible. We undeniably have bigger burdens, big enough to think that the great master plans we always had suddenly became unconvincing. And as it probably got you, it might get me even harder.


I spent 2 days in Cikandang and re-saw what myself particularly have contributed to that beautiful small area. It was probably intangible, I mean, the sidewalk marks that we hand-painted were not even there anymore. But seeing the exact same mural on the wall about not littering your garbage on the street or realizing that the blue colour or library wall haven’t changed since we dramatically decorated them made me smile a lot.


My friends and I might not save the world or became a bunch of fairy godmothers and turned a poor girl to be a princess. But we clearly shared the same spirit. We were bunch of young people from major cities in both country and were placed in a village that was totally different with how we used to live, was a total slap in the face. Moreover, this opportunity did not just arrive in my lap in a silver platter. I fought for my spot to be there, to be the part of the team and I did not just start that because I was following the trend. I made some names for myself until those judges could decide that I deserved the spot.


We sincerely loved the place and had the motivation that we could contribute positively to the village. At that time, the motivation was even bigger because we are entitled as “Youth of The World” which in overreacting version of me years ago, it meant really important as it led to do really important things to the world as well.


And how I applied that in the life I had? I realized that volunteering and social movement was not a new thing. As I said, I was probably chosen to join the program because I was actively involved in those kinds of activity. And I used those learning process to be really pay attention of any actions I would contribute. I took every single opportunity to help things get better in the village seriously like I would live there forever. All with a very supporting environment from magnificent team member and locals. I sincerely had super strong willing to keep doing what I did until forever, somehow, somewhere.

But now it has been 4 years since that flame positivity burned me inside and outside. When you see myself right now and compare with what kind of person I told you before, your reaction might be really subjective because in reality, those plans haven’t worked, yet. Why? I wish I can say I don’t know but I clearly know the reason. Because it’s what life is about. Remember at that time you ordered a customized menu at the restaurant? You wanted double scoop of vanilla and chocolate ice cream and specifically wanted the vanilla scoop to be on top but the waiter came with the chocolate on top instead? You can plan, decide, or even manipulate how you wish your life be, but it’s not always up to you, it has never been, it will never be. The world and any single thing inside it work together like a pair of gear that makes certain action affects the others and that is not new information for anyone, I know.


But we just sometimes forget about it, I often forget about it. And the reflection of it shows in our action. We can complain to the waiter who brought the wrong order of ice cream scoop or just accept and eat as it would taste the same, anyway. And that’s how I probably choose to respond the life world is offering me to.  I am not capable of fulfilling my dream 100% but I should be able to be patient and use any learning in my journey to be the ‘weapon’ of my future. I was probably part of the bigger gear who affected smaller gear in the program and I never wanted such habit to stop happening in any circumstances.

Nevertheless, the beauty of that mountainous village was just everything I needed last end of the year. This reminder, reflection, whatever you call it to make me realize of how grateful I am to be the person that I am now, and the person that  I will be. I was visiting the former head of village’s house and the family greeted me warmly. I had a nice conversation with them and heard them talking sincerely of how happy they were when we were there, joking around about funny things that happened in 2012. Rury, the eldest daughter was still in middle school back then and now she is a year away from University. She told me of how she planned to take International Relation in either University of Padjadjaran or University of Gadjah Mada, two major universities in Indonesia because of how she was inspired by the program that she was being involved with as the local. For the 5 years activities with around 90 youth in the period, irregardless the debatable sustainability and controversy it created. And that seriously made me smile a lot.


I visited many places in the village where I liked to spend time with my friends and had great conversation with not just my host family but some other host families. You never realize of what impressions you could leave to certain community until you come back in quite some time and feel, really feel inside yourself of how joyful and peaceful your little heart to stand on the place where you usually stood. And I don’t want Cikandang to be the only place where I can feel that way.

Small boy, big dream. That I know.



Come What May

The last time I dedicated my time to write something on this blog, I was in a completely different place where I am for the past 3 months. As they said, life surprises you in a lot of interesting ways. Sometimes it greets you with a box full of chocolates, but on the other sides the chocolate can be sugary and fattening. As for myself, it’s always mixed and double standard; I love chocolate but I don’t want to be fat.

Many things clearly happened since that time. After one and half years living and working in the Middle East, I went back to Indonesia last March. I happily reunited with old pals and traveled to multiple cities to indulge my thirst of Indonesian environment, beautiful culture, and exceptional food. I went back home to Pontianak, the hometown where I always belong with my family and old friends, with whom my social life was started.

I finished the unfinished things, which one of them might be the reason why I left far far away. I resolved conflict that I when I saw again after several time should not be necessary on the very first place. I am starting a new chapter of my life in Jakarta, re-making and re-planning everything that I always want to achieve.

Few exciting things will also happen in this blog. One of them is a new Program called Boys Brunch, where I will have brunch with different boys every month and interview them about their interesting backgrounds so they can share them to you guys. Boys Brunch will be published every 1st day of the month, starting June, with amazing “Brunch Star” from many different specialties. Excited to see what’s more? Bookmark this blog and visit often. My chocolates are delicious!



BBB: Bitches Bite Back

This bullying and efforts to combat it have been done way long ago, through anything; print, television, social media, celebrity ambassadors, conferences, and any possible effort human could to make the World at peace. But as you can see, it never stops. Maybe it is decreasing, but it’s far of being stop.

As a person who grew up in city, I have seen bullying everywhere my entire life. Especially at schools. I was even an object myself. In Pontianak, the city where I lived, most kids are bullied for 3 reasons: gay, ugly, and poor. Yes, it sounds really mean. But that doesn’t mean that if you’re not categorized in one of the three, you’re free. You can be pretty and people will still call you slut, you’re rich and people call you stupid, and so on. Especially in Indonesia, the line between bullying and joking is really thin. People can easily insult you of being fat and laugh about it and that’s OK (They don’t even mean that as bullying, it is just like a common joke). People can give nicknames to everybody based on their physical appearance like the burn-skin, the square-face, the small eyes, the pug, the dwarf, and be fine with it. Because again, it’s a common joke.

As for me, most of the bullying time at school happened just because I was a freshman. It’s such a culture that at school, mostly in middle school, high school, and college, senior has to be superior than the freshmen, at least that’s how I felt. They will do any way possible to make your first year of school to be a nightmare. Ironically, it mostly happens because of a revenge. They do that simply because seniors before them did that to them. They might do it smartly though, they will use their superiority in the name of student orientation and ask us to do things that has zero relevance with what education should be. The freshmen, including me, as the object felt really humiliated. That was pretty disgusting.

As that annoying person who always stand for what I believe, I always clearly declare myself against those stupid hidden agenda of bullying in any kind. When I was in the 7th grade of middle school, an 8th grader kicked my chest and I threw an orange juice to his face, kicked his balls and ran out to the teacher’s office while I was crying. I shed tears but I fought, and the jerk got a detention. And guess what, they stopped bullying. They finally saw how it turned out and was scared to be involved.

As I grew up, I learned that the main roots of bullying is the matter of insecurities of the bullies. In more psychological way, people are defending themselves by offending others. For instance in the simplest case: kids at school. If people only bully others who are not “perfect”, how many perfect people you will be able to see in one school? Even if there are many, more than half of them might be nice. But on the other hand, how many people that look not “perfect” and be those persons that you avoid in the hallway? I am quoting the word perfect just to indicate how subjective it is.

You might also notice that the bullies always come with larger numbers than the victims to show their superiority. Isn’t it clear already that in order to cover their insecurities, they need another objects for some other people to focus on so that it won’t be them. How interesting.

Then the best weapon to destroy your enemy is simply knowing what their weapons are. Alright, yes I get it, we all agree; Bullying is mean, rude, disrespectful, unacceptable and all the worst possible words to express that. And of course the World will be  much a better place if people are kind to each others, share cookies, give your neighbour a ride to school, treat your poor friend lunch, lend your boyfriend to a desperate single friend or whatever. People are less judgmental and more positive to each other and everyone will be happy, love is everywhere.

But seriously, if you are spending the rest of your life expecting the World will eventually be perfect, it’s not exaggerated to say that you’re so delusional.

Nobody was born to be a bad person. But everyone was born with a flaw that we are trying to hide or deny. And just because you have flaws, doesn’t mean that you deserve to be bullied, nor become mean to other people in order to deny yours.

If somebody commit suicide just because someone just punched them in the hallway, the puncher is a horrible person but they aren’t responsible for the stupid decision that the suicider made. If a girl is dying of starving herself just because people say she is fat, that fat girl literally just brings stupidity to a whole new level. Besides that term that I still don’t get “You are what you eat”, You are also how you react to any actions surrounding you. On the simpler words, shit happens, we know it sucks but stand up and show who the bitch is!

You have to be the one show stand up for yourselves of all people.Those insecure bullies need to be given a lesson, and who’s better to give them that than the person they think they’ve won after all this time? You!

You know what can kill superiority? More superiority.

You know what can stop bad words? Worse words.

You know what’s worse than a broken nose? A broken nose with a broken leg.

Once you show them how you worth, how  you value yourself so much, and how strong you can stand up on your feet, there will be just 2 opportunities: you win, or you loose even worse. But remember, only a fool who will get the second result. This is of course isn’t as simple as calling “you’re uglier” than the person who call you ugly. This is also about the whole systematic planning, mostly to show how valuable you are to be bullied.

There are several people, again as my 24 years of experience, that we can categorized as bullies.

1. The barking dog

Usually, they are just verbally annoying. They intimidate you with their words that will cut into your skin. Their motives are sometimes for just making fun, and make them feel good about themselves by making others look bad. These people just need that extra sharper tongue. Thicken your skin and start acting like you’re a champ. Example:

Bully: Hey you fat whore!

Victim: Hey you skinny with no brain. Everyone knows that you’re extremely stupid

Bully: Wow, you have guts, don’t you? (There might be cornering and the whole friends intimidating involve)

Victim: Yeah, and what are you gonna do? I can beat your skinny ass with my fat fingers. So back off! (And just leave without they can even say anything. It shows that you don’t think that they aren’t important)

The key is to show how confident you are that the thing they make fun of you of is turning into your weapon. Knowing their weakness is a must! Everyone must have a flaw. You just need to dig deeper, and voila, you can have lunch peacefully.

2. The skank army

These bullies always go in a group. Their targets are usually a loner or a group of looser. As there are more than one people, their bullying will be various, from verbal to physical. You can see how they do and there might be a chance to finish them as like number 1. But if they can’t, you can find the weakest link. Spot the most approached person in the group and make it two options: befriend, or blackmail. It’s better if you can find a way to befriend them first. Maybe from a mutual friend or from their siblings. But if you can’t, Blair Waldorf taught us many times the art of blackmailing which can be fun. Find their secrets and threat him/her back! So either befriending or blackmailing that weakest link will influence the others to back off. Take over the power and that’s the time to be a bitch.

3. The worst of them all!

This might be the most dangerous of them all. They like to get physical to show that they are stronger than everyone else, which you know what it leads to: crime. You can’t just beat people’s asses as you want anywhere in the World. If you wanna play dumb, you can just fight back and if you just secretly bitten by a superpower spider like Peter Parker you might win. Or if you loose, and die, you will at least die with dignity. But please, be smart. I’m telling you how to value yourself, not 101 sensational ways to die.

If these people want fight, you can give them fight. In an occasion, you can publicly ask them to go one by one, tell them if they are really strong, only one person that they need to finish you. Doing it in public is important so that psychologically, they will be forced to agree and won’t break the rules because they’re ashamed of everyone else. But please notice that you can only do this if you’re sure that you will win! I repeat only if you can guarantee that you will win!

If you don’t think you will win, there is another way. This might sound like a corny movie but make a plot! This might cause several pains but just to remind you that there is no glory without blood involve. You can challenge them as well to fight, by the time it happens, don’t fight first. Let them punch or kick you 2-3 times and put a little bit act to make it look worse than it feels. When you feel enough, start crying and beg them to stop that you will do whatever they want. They will be on cloud nine but what they don’t know is that your friend is filming the whole thing 200 meters away behind the tree. Make as many copy as possible and keep it with 4-5 other people whom you trust so much, just to make sure, and tell the bullies that the crime that they make will go viral if they will ever touch you again! Tell them also that some people know it already so that people will know whom to look for when you will mysteriously disappear (Just in case they’re planning to kill you).

These next sentences should have been written on the top of the page but I just want to show you how hard it is to cure the whole situation and plan them to be better rather than to just simply avoid them.

You have to fully realize that you are bullied for a reason: people have more negative things to see in yourselves more than your bright side. You give them a reason to be making fun for. You are not that worthy in front of others. Then you need a reality check. And the answer is simple: make yourself valuable.

You can have the worst traits but life isn’t just about the things that you bring since you were born. Your effort and hard work will show along the way in the process of growing up. And that’s the thing that people need to see. Instead of letting people see you as a person who is smart but fat, show them that you are fat but smart. As you can see you are basically the same human with the exact same characteristic but when you decide to emphasize which character that you want to sell more, people will visibly see that.

I never got any physical bullying after middle school because I position myself as a valuable person. I made friends with the right persons and worked my ass of to earn the respectable position in the hierarchy. The seniors were bullying me in High School and University just because I was a freshmen and I didn’t want to follow their orders and I stood up and fought back. I set myself up to be the bright one so that many people would like me more than they hated me. I avoided myself being bullied by showing how I was worth it more than them so I don’t need to make extra effort to think of how can I finish them. I was once standing in the circle full of seniors in my first year of University just because I told them that I don’t wanna get involve in their stupid non sense unnecessary dramatic social classes and became public enemy number 1. But when I got my way to the top by literally being the face of both faculty and university (What can I say, they had my huge face on the huge billboard in the main road), these pathetic people thought that they could make amend by making me their friends as like what they did to me the previous year never happened? Sorry not sorry but you can’t sit with us!

Avoiding is much better than curing, but if somebody push you into the pool, just swim so you won’t get drown. Fight back, for yourself. You might inspire others from escaping to hell as well.

As I said, people are bullied for a reason. People aren’t bullied for a reason as well. Only you who can give that reason.



Believing Yourself (?)

Do you believe in yourself?

That question pops out pretty often everytime. People are unique. We can be smart and dumb at the same time. Love turns to hatred in just a second. Confidence and insecurity have no clear barrier. And the strongest person can be the weakest inside of them all. We’re all confused. And when a person asks another person, they will say non other thing than:

Just believe in yourself!

Many stories are told about human strength, magical realities or cliche fictions. Some of you may post motivational quotes everyday on your instagram account to just show people of how thankful should we be as a human. Some print and put them on their cubical office wall just to remind themselves of not forgetting to do things the quote writer said.

Do you think you know yourself?

That’s another question. When you feel a little headache on the right part of your head, are you sure that’s just a usual migrain that you’ve had since 2011 instead of brain cancer? When you feel like you want to kill the person who’s dating your crush, are you sure that’s just a normal jealousy instead of you actually having a psychopath behaviour that might bring the actual harm in the future?



Haven’t they written many stories about us? Religiously, culturally, scientifically. Do they make us feel better, or become more anxious instead? Do you get an inspiration from how a real love does exist from ‘The Notebook’ story and happily looking for your own at this moment, or are you actually sitting in the most expensive restaurant, having the most expensive food, wearing the most expensive clothes, reading this with the most expansive device and feel betrayed of how mean people made that story and promised us about the thing that you think is the biggest conspiracy of human civilization history, that thing called love? Do you feel really thankful after watching ‘The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants’ and realize you have amazing friends just like they showed or Do you feel afraid that they might not be your besties anymore in a few year, just like those people you called best friends back in high school?

You don’t know yourself.

If that’s actually what you’re thinking, how irrelevant do you think that question is? How can you be sure you’re smart enough to finish your university thesis on time, but still work on it all night anyway? How can you be convinced that you’re gonna be rich and be able to afford a Birkin bag or a pair of Louboutin shoes you’ve been dreaming since the 10th grade from those fashion magazine? How can you even still ask for people’s opinion when you yourself don’t even know what to do, to your own goddamn life, but never even take the advises and do what you think is right yourself but still never be satisfied with the result?

You know yourself.

You think you’re one step ahead and being really confident. But how can you explain of what you’re actually doing for your life now? You’re fun but you hate that you’re not pretty. You’re rich but you don’t think you don’t have friends. You’re smart but you’re sad of having a partner that’s not smarter than you. You’re pretty and rich but you heard that people say you’re dumb. You’re smart and rich but you’re not OK of having no social life. You’re rich, smart, pretty, fun and the perfections are lining up but you’re never satisfied with the colour of your hair dye and waste a lot of moment in your mind cursing of how imperfect your hair is.

But you said you know yourself. And you believe in yourself. But the more you know yourself, the more flaw you reveal you have yourself. So tell me who actually ourselves are.