Being Single

 

The accuracy of her words is mindblowing!

People need to understand that there are just some people who choose their life path differently other than what society demands. When someone is single, everyone will easily judge and say inappropriate things like “Maybe she needs to loose some weight”, “He needs to get a better job to afford a relationship”, “She’s too brilliant, boys will be intimidated”, “He’s gay”, “She was divorced, no one wants a widow with kids”, “He’s not that good looking but too picky!” etc.

Why is it when someone is single, that means that he/she isn’t ‘chosen’? Why is it necessary to fabricate a bad sentiment to victimize some people with different values and probably unpleasant past experiences? Not all single people are desperate because there’s no offer on the table. Most of the times, they are the tables.

“Most single people understand the importance of protecting their good energy” – Michelle Obama

 

CWY Series 2 – Montreal Drama

Previous Series: CWY Series 1 – The Day It All Started

# # #

Pontianak was just a regular city in a regular country. Our city was not really well known for many of ignorant Indonesians as we live in western part of Borneo. People were actually thinking that we still lived in a jungle and dealt with cannibalism in our regular days just because we lived in an island that used to have the one biggest area of forests to contribute oxygen.

As most of the forests had disappeared, what could we do other than finally moved on and lived in an actual solid house? We lived in an actual neighborhood that made us feel bad to eat each other so we did not have much choice but to eat an actual ‘normal’ food as everyone else usually had. We also went to school to catch up with other cities, kept us civilized enough to run technology for our necessity, such as going around to places with modern vehicles. Like what I usually had every other day.

I usually drove scooter in Pontianak always-sunny-day, sunny because the equator line was just literally above our heads. The heat usually sneaked up underneath our clothes right into the skin, daytime could be annoying, but night time was supposed to be comfortably warm. Unlike that night when I almost froze to death!

I still remember that night when we had a big group discussion, a month before our departure during the medical check-up, about stuffs we should or should not bring all the way from home. Some people have had experienced the North American life and they were more than happy to share thing like “just bring your own shampoo, it’s gonna be expensive if you buy it there”, or “you might want to bring some instant Indonesian spices and noodles, just in case you miss them”, and even “don’t buy any winter coat from home, we will be able to just buy them right when we arrive at the thrift store.” And as a kind-loving-sincere person who trusted his friends no matter what, of course I followed what they said.

But then I wanted to choke them all to death if only I could even move my hand. We just got off the bus that charged us CAD 8 from the airport area to downtown Montreal and I just wore a hoodie that obviously was not enough. That was around 9PM and I missed Pontianak’s weather already. “Where’s that freaking thrift store you said I could buy my winter coat!” I yelled at my friends as the frozen breath came out from my mouth. They were laughing as I was shaking. Fairuz, the girl from Aceh was kind enough to give me her scarf as like it would help. I took her scarf and put it around my neck, nothing really changed but at least I know I could rely on her.

I was not the only one who struggled, though. Azis’ face was red and he just kept silent following everyone everywhere. We walked towards the we-just-followed-our-heart direction until we found a cool church which might look like a regular pretty building for the locals but we have never seen any glorious, strong, and magical landmark like that with our own eyes at our home town. And of course, fancy things like that would always be a picture time.

We actually had fun in the downtown as I always loved classical things and the city was beyond beautiful. We had a little jog to keep ourselves warm and kept walking like we were so thirsty of great visuals. The jet lag helped, though. It was day time back in Indonesia and we were such a group of mature young people who would never sleep during our biological-day-time.

We arrived at such a huge park in the middle of the city. I could not remember, actually did not care, but all of a sudden someone was yelling “Maple leaf!”. And like a group of sheep, people were following that bitch to run for a maple leaf picking. That was the end of summer (I know, it was weirdly freezing already) and people said that it was one of the best times to collect some leaves as some of them would have had turned beautifully red, just like the one at the center of Canadian flag.

The park was full of dropped maple leaves and I did not understand why they would be crazy to fight over the best leaf instead of enjoying the moment first. I remembered that day when I was at the second grade. I just went home from school and saw a music video on TV by Spice Girls called 2 Become 1 that took place in New York City but my Mama mistakenly told me that it was in London because she knew that The Spice Girls were from England. I did not know that the song was about sex but I always wanted to visit London right after that. And that Montreal downtown kinda looked like that. I saw big beautiful classical building around, stood right at a giant neat city park, and white people were everywhere crossing the street in the cold night. I still regretted that I did not have the coat and the boots just like what Ginger Spice had in the music video, but that was still a beautiful moment to enjoy.

I still could not remember who but someone handed me a single maple leaf to take a picture with. I took and posed with it with my super red cheeks. We ended up taking a group picture where we put a single leaf in front of our each foot in a perfect circle shape, just like my face. It was a cool pic to post on social media before it became cheesy when you look at it now.

“Kak Asni, I really need something warm, or else I will start to breathe ice!” I said with a constant shake all over my body.

“Yeah, let’s find something to drink.” She said. She looked cold too. The last time she came to Canada was 5 years ago in British Colombia where the area wasn’t as cold as Quebec.

“Where?” I replied

“You probably can ask those people over there” She pointed at a bench where some people were sitting and laughing.

I knew she thought I had the best English in the group so it would be easy for me to speak with the locals. And that’s true, everyone’s English might be great but mine was always greater. I walked toward the bench and I saw a lady with 5-6 men having a funny conversation as they laughed a lot. All of them were really attractive.

“Excuse me, can I ask something? Do you know where I can get a hot chocolate?” I asked them with my best accent possible. I was always proud of my perfect accent.

Some of them were grinning right after I said that. Some started laughing and looked at each other until someone started replying me

“Oh jeez, are you a hooker?”

Oh no you dirty bitch, you did not just say that to my face! And my face got even redder.

“Kid, don’t be a hooker, go back home and sleep.” And they were all laughing.

These people were completely drunk, I mean, why wouldn’t I realized that since the beginning? And they don’t speak in French accent which made me assuming that they weren’t locals. They kept going on with their hooker jokes and for some reasons I did not move. It happened for about a minute until the only lady there felt pity about this big Asian kid and stood up.

“Stop it, guys. That’s not funny!” She told her friends as she walked towards me.

She looked nice and totally sober. She apologized on behalf of her friends, took me to the side, and asked me where I was from. I explained to her that I was from Indonesia with a group of freezing friends while we could totally still hear the drunken men cheering in the background.

Her name was Kim and I took her to the group. Kim told us that they were also visiting Montreal from Ontario and she insisted to take us to nearby Tim Horton’s by herself, maybe because she felt bad that her friends were being total assholes. Thanks for helping us, Kim!

Kim in the middle

I knew Starbucks pretty well eventough they didn’t have an outlet in Pontianak but I didn’t know that the Canadians have their own original coffee shop chain called Tim Horton’s which could easily be found pretty much everywhere around the city. The place was definitely warmer than outside. I got myself a hot chocolate and a donut while looking outside through the window, it pissed me of how tricky the city was: It didn’t look freezing from the inside at all! The city was still pretty much busy. Some people were still walking outside and there were more than a dozen persons in Tim Horton’s excluding us, like this one big long-yellow-haired guy with a lot of piercings who just came in. He was smirking as we had eye contact which later on I regret. I was just called as a hooker by some random strangers. I didn’t think staring at an eccentric guy on the exact same night was a good idea.

The hot chocolate was satisfying as I definitely didn’t have any other choices. I did not want to take any coffee because it was midnight and I needed to be as tired and sleepy as possible to adjust the new time zone.

“Your cheeks are really red” Anggoro told as he sat beside me with a cup of something. I looked at my reflection through the window, hard to see but I actually could feel how red it was.

“Those stupid rude men called me a hooker, thank God it did not change to blue instead!” I replied. “I’m tired, let’s just go back to the hotel after this. We will have a morning flight tomorrow and tonight’s drama is more than enough.” I told Kak Asni who happened to sit in front of me.

She laughed. “You just had one, more real drama is waiting for you in the next 6 months, Feb!”

As soon as she finished her sentence, someone screamed really loudly as we shockingly looked towards where the voice came from. A petite girl just literally ran to the door and went outside the place as fast as she could. We instantly followed her outside with lots of confusion as everyone was staring to a bunch of annoying Asian kids who did not know how to chill in a coffee shop.

“HE CARRIED A FUCKING SNAKE IN HIS PANTS!” It was Amelia, who screamed hysterically. According to her, the eccentric man whom I saw apparently carried a snake inside his pants. He took pulled the snake out of the pants to show Amelia, as like he knew what exactly her phobia was.

“I saw it too. It was tiny but still scary, though. It was a real living snake!” Added Noval, who just wanted to make sure that the word snake referred to a real gross long living animal that should not become a pet instead of a different way of telling us that the man was pulling his penis from his pants. Because you know, sometimes people said penis as a snake too. Weird, right.

Amelia was too shocked to cry, but I could totally how devastated she was. She look like she could not breath and could just pass out anytime soon.

“Have some water.” It was Fairuz again who offered help in the form of bottled water. Amelia finished that in 10 seconds as people were helping her to sit at the bench across the street.

This happened too fast until I did not realize that my fragile body started to feel cold again as we were outside. Everyone’s face looked really tired, obviously, and I personally started to feel scared of being in a whole new place.

“Kak Asni, let’s just please go back to the hotel.” I half begged.

She agreed and waited for a few moments until Amelia had enough strength to walk to the bus shelter. It was not a really long walk until we arrived in front of a big building with the sign BUS STOP written in both English and French. There was a route-map that told us the bus from this shelter would take us to where we were from, and it said the bus was operating for 24 hours.

It was 2 AM in the morning and we waited for around 10 minutes without any bus, or anyone around. We started to feel really cold again but this time I felt so awake. I could not remember nor care but someone said “Let’s do saman dance to warm each other up”.

Bad idea. I did not know how to do that. Saman dance (or usually translated as Thousand hands dance in English) is a traditional dance originally from Aceh which always became a dance that all Indonesian volunteers of CWY had to learn in our Pre-Departure-Training every single year. It’s a beautiful dance with a really good philosophy where everyone should sit extremely close next to each other tightly with a lot of hands and heads movement in a harmony. The more dancers, the longer the line would be, the more beautiful it would look. While as for a non-Acehnese and not really a dancer kinda person unless you played Beyonce’s Single Ladies so that my inner-stripper could be release, I found it a bit hard for me to learn such dances.

I didn’t think I was the only one who could not dance that time, so I just squeezed myself between 2 people, mainly to make myself warm and planned to just follow the rhythm. Fairuz was playing role as the singer –There is no music in saman other than the voice of the live singer– and everyone was ready in the line.

She started to sing as we followed her rhythm excitedly. I knew the first several movements and changed my mind that it was probably a good idea to just release everything that happened that night. I slowly looked at my surrounding, thought of how scared I was before this crazy idea to dance an Indonesian traditional dance right in the heart of Montreal happened.

Before we left, the alumni told us that this program would offer a lot of new things in our life: New place, new people, new friendship, new culture, new lifestyle, even new drama. What we needed to do was that just enjoying the journey with all of its process and just hold on to our main objectives of why we would want to be there.

That early morning dance in the side of a big street we did would never happen anywhere else in any occasions if we did not just pass something like what happened to force us unite as one ultimate team as we should be. That new big experiences ahead should not be passed individually, especially with the amazing people you shared a lot of things in common with. I kept dancing with few mistakes in the movement but I did not stop doing it. Looking back at it in 2016, I could actually see it much deeper of how that night in particular just represented my next 6 months was like: We got excited, we got drama, but we could always rely on each other.

I was happy that I shared the night with the group that I love. The bus came and we got in with full of laughter. Kak Asni, Feby, Amelia, Fairuz, Anggoro, Noval, Laksmi, Nadia, Dwi, and Azis went back to a hotel with whole of new excitement of the next day. Kim, Kevin, Fred, Louis, Gillian, Max, Felix, Kayla, and Julia better brought their asses at the Halifax airport to pick us up, tomorrow!

# # #

Next Series: CWY Series 3 – Cross Cultural Understanding: Begins

Boys Brunch: Tubagus Yusuf – Young Ambassador With A Mission

For Tubagus Muhammad Yusuf Rifaiz, hopping from one country to another has always been a solid plan. Way further than just travelling abroad, He always brought agendas during the trips, and those are pretty cool ones. He represented Indonesia in many International occasions, from a music festival to being a youth ambassador.

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Connected through a friend in the same organization, I had the chance to sit together with him in the second installment of Boys Brunch. Iyus, how he is usually called, has been combining dream, mission, and of course, style for us to be inspired of. Starting his Journey in Surabaya, this Airlangga University alumnus spoke the truth of how blessed his life has been for being an Indonesian youth.

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Feby (F): Hi Iyuz, thank you for willing to be featured. How’s life?

Iyuz (I): Hi, my pleasure! Life is great. I am enjoying myself in Jakarta after moving out from Surabaya last 2 years. I am currently working in a startup company which I pretty much enjoy, doing business-related stuffs are always things I am passionate about.

F: That sounds really exciting. What do you usually do besides working?

I: Well, sometimes I just go to the gym. And I am kinda social person so I usually hang out with my friends; watch movies, karaoke, or just chill at cafes. Other than that, I go travel. I just went to Australia last month. It was so much fun.

F: You seem that you internationally travel quite often. So how did you start your international journey?

I: Thanks! I guess I am pretty lucky to be one of that Indonesian youth who is able to travel abroad for quite some times. I love to see what this world can offer to me in different ways, and I somehow manage to receive several chances to do so. Back in 2012, I was in my University Choir group and we became the first champion that allowed us to represent the university in the worldwide level. We went to Poland, Netherland, and France. From there, the opportunities just got wider. Just a year after in 2013, I joined the ASEAN Youth Exchange Program that brought me to Chulalongkorn University in Thailand. Still in the same year, and I was really excited because it was always a dream of mine to go there, I represented my University once again for Harvard National Model United Nation in New York! And at the end of that year again, I was selected to represent Indonesian Youth for an International Youth Exchange called Ship of South East Asian Youth Program (SSEAYP) that made me visited Japan, Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, and Singapore and showed how beautiful our culture was.

F:  Why do you think it’s necessary to attend International events if you just want to travel?

I: I think it really depends on how we see it. By utilizing many occasions, it makes the meaning of my activity to be doubled up. Representing my community, my university, or my country to the world makes the journey become so much more meaningful and insightful in a lot of ways. Let’s say our interaction with the locals, for instance. When we travel, we will just probably interact with them when we are lost or at the store for assistance. But when we go in occurrences, we make real connection to them. We become friends and they share you the world from their perspective and vice versa, you get to introduce your view and value directly to their ears. You’ll feel that you are part of youth of the world just like them, you will miss each other when you separate and that makes you and them richer for the things which are intangibly exchanged. And I think you agree of how beautiful that feeling is. New York like it is for many people around the world, has always been my dream since I was a kid. And to be able to finally step my feet on its ground by bringing the country’s mission makes me really proud, both as a dreamer and as an Indonesian youth. I travel with a good mission.

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F: Consider yourself as the young ambassador, how significant is your international representation to your community?

I: I will always owe my international participation to Indonesia and its young people I represented. I feel the need to give back to the community in the most positive way possible. I am involved in East Java PCMI –an organization for International Youth Exchange Program alumni– and SII –The Indonesian’s SSEAYP alumni association– that aims for regeneration. I want the opportunity of Indonesian youth having International experience to be owned by everyone, at the youngest age possible. With those organizations, we motivate, select, and prepare the potential youth to be ready to face the International program that I was involved in.

F: On your best advice, what are other cultures that you think will fit into your community?

I: I love how dynamic the world is. Each place has its own dynamic that we just need to embrace when we are there. Their values, cultures, forms of interaction make this world so unique and we have to be able to blend in. Also, some countries are really open minded and I’d love to see more open mindedness in Indonesia. More understanding and tolerance will make this place to be more convenient, I guess.

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F: On the other hand, what is the culture that you have which you’re proud of sharing worldwide?

I: I must say, our people are really caring. We tend to be nicer and kinder toward each other. I guess it is our natural habit to have a win-win solution and put other’s happiness on the top of ours. It can fire back at us, though. HAHA. But it’s still beautiful of how we feel about people who are not just close to us but also those who aren’t.

F: You have traveled to many places, but do you have a favourite destination that you haven’t been to? Why so?

I: It has always been settled: New York City, Paris, London, and Tokyo are my four dream cities since forever. I have been to all of them but London. Cross your fingers and wish me luck, soon!

F: What’s your next international plan?

I: Like probably almost everyone in Indonesia at this moment, I want to take a master degree abroad, specifically to The U.S. I am thinking of taking MBA as I told that I am passionate about developing business. There is no such a mainstream things in order to get proper education, right?

F: Do you have any plan about your hometown, Surabaya?

I: Oh man, I will always be attached to my hometown. All the reasons of my adventure, one of them is probably Surabaya. I travel far to come back home and become the part of its development. It’s the second biggest city in Indonesia and we need to step up our game. I am willing to combine my passion in business with my commitment as the responsible native youth, let’s start from there!

Iyus was friendly and cheerful during the conversation. I was really convinced that he was a choir champion as he hummed excitingly almost most of time. We spent the rest of the morning by enjoying our brunch; he had mac and cheese and coconut pie, meanwhile I had my favourite tuna grilled cheese at The Goods Café, Lotte Shopping Avenue.

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Iyus’ Brunch: Mac and Cheese, Coconut Pie, and Lychee Iced tea

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Feby’s Brunch: Tuna Grilled Cheese and Diet Coke

As my boys brunch tradition, I would ask several questions that my guest needed to answer spontaniously. Check them out!

Trivia

  • What is your most favourite food?

French Pastry

  • Place you’ll always come back to?

New York – who wouldn’t?

  • Must have fashion item?

Long black coat – my favourite look is always with the long black coat!

  • Country you wish you were born besides Indonesia?

United States of America

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credit: @iyusrifaiz (instagram)

This or That?

  • Suit or Shirt?

Suit

  • Pasta or Pizza?

Pasta

  • Egypt or Turkey?

Turkey

  • Badminton or Football?

Badminton

 

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credit: @iyusrifaiz (instagram)

About Iyus

  • Tubagus Muhammad Yusuf Rifaiz was born and raised in Surabaya, East Java on 15 November 1991.
  • Iyus is a theatre show Junkie. He has watched Wicked, Phantom of The Opera, Matilda, Beauty And The Beast, and Shrek in way up north Los Angeles and New York all the way to down under in Melbourne.
  • He might be sailing around Southeast Asia in a fancy cruise in SSEAYP 2013, but 3 years earlier, he have had experience cruising to Singapore, Malaysia, and Thailand with his mother already.
Kvmyhumi

credit: @iyusrifaiz (instagram)

Body Celebration

As I have just come to my sense that this cruel world has always been trying to show the life of hell to each of its creature by creating this natural instinct of insecurity that is spread externally and internally, I am finally choosing to refuse all the judgement of myself, by myself, and to myself, especially of how I should appreciate the way I look.

I spent almost the past 10 years of my life believing my soul has been fitted to an un-ideal body as it is bigger than what society thinks it should be, and that bigotry stops now!

Me and my body are as beautiful as a morning sunrise or any of your favourite things. I will still appreciate my body by supplying it with good consumption of food and having exercise as having a tight skin still obviously look nice, but if none of that goodwill turn out to be the way as what ideal beauty demands, I will never be sad and just be totally rocking it.

Wearing larger size of clothing will not me less valuable or less worthy. My body is a celebration and if the society thinks that I look big or fat, none of that thought are my problems. When you tell me “you’re fat!”, that’s your problem and you can all suck it! 😉

Anak Rantau

Anak rantau pergi jauh membawa mimpi-mimpi masa lalu

Penuh semangat memeluk masa kini yang kata orang cepat berlalu

Melangkah gamang menuju semak-semak dan jalan berbatu

Tak ingin berpikir kapan kembali dan bersatu

 

Anak rantau mencintai tempat-tempat baru

Bersorak-sorai berbangga hati membuat kenangan yang tak semu

Memamerkan pigura digital supaya seru

Pantang bersedih agar tak malu

 

Anak rantau rindu Ibu yang selalu memberi restu

Minggu lalu, Ayah berkunjung dalam mimpi haru

Membuatnya bangun dengan tetesan air mata syahdu

Memeluk guling seperti bayi meringkuk sedu

 

Anak rantau membuka kembali catatan terdahulu

Mempelajari setiap jengkal sampai ke ujung kuku

Bertanya kembali kepada dirinya yang dulu

Sudah seberapa jauh dia melangkah maju

Membuktikan bahwa dirinya tak akan pernah kalah dari semua tantangan perjalanan itu

 

Jakarta, 7 Mei 2016

Isa Town, Bahrain – 2014

CWY Series 1 – The Day It All Started

People like Anggoro, Fairuz, Dini, or some other who have experienced North American fall/winter might have already understood that weird combination of bright sunshine and freezing-air-that-made-you-numb. But I still could not accept that the wind slapped me so hard that afternoon, just outside of Pierre-Truedeau International Airport while we were waiting for the bus. We were fully suited and tired of 16 hours long flight. Some people were just well prepared, they wore sweater underneath the coat, put on a scarf or had a big fluffy ear puffs in the middle of their red faces.

“I need to lay down for a while” as I obviously didn’t have a proper sleep, and those extra layer of clothing preparation besides a pair of leopard mitten that I borrowed from Reyska. As like it would help.

One bus with the first group just left before us. Another bus arrived and our group put our belongings in the trunk. The bus was too small for 11 people including the driver, but maybe it was just fine enough to be really close to each other and kept ourselves warm. And in just 15 minutes, the bus stopped at Best Western Hotel.

Those pile of luggage doesn’t look like that attractive now

I was in the middle of most diva-ish situation when I had to stay overnight with 2 of the most brilliant musicians in the group. Noval and Azis better shared the bed as we only had 2 beds in the room, and diva didn’t share bed. But diva did get thirsty. We saw nothing but empty glasses on the table. This hotel didn’t provide water for the visitor.

I went to the reception and stupidly shocked of what the friendly lady said.

“You can get water from the tap. We all drink tap water here.” She said in a French accent

Not sure, I called Kak Asni and she said don’t worry because tap water was indeed drinkable there. I went back to the room and found Noval had a glass of tap water already.

“Anggoro told me.” He said.

Alright, so who cared? I drank and it tasted like I-won’t-get-diarrhea. Something that nobody would ever do anywhere in Indonesia, at least not before you boil it.

3 of us laid down had a very little sleep and get ready as we needed to be in the hall for an arrival briefing.

“Hi everyone, my name is Giselle from Canada World Youth” the curly-haired lady announced herself. I could tell that her first language was neither English nor French. She announced few basic things about tomorrow’s departure. Another flight, of course.

Later I figured, Giselle was originally from Brazil. It was interesting enough remembering the fact that she was representing Canada World Youth, the organization that gave a third-world-country youth like me opportunity to join such an amazing program.

I was sitting on a couch at one corner in the city of Montreal, listening to Gisele’s explanation of our next travel arrangement. My other Indonesian friends who had just traveled all the way from South East Asia with me were sitting around me as well.

Those names I previously mentioned at the beginning were some of few weirdos I had to deal with almost every day, around 4 years ago. We started our journey in our each 27 different places all over Indonesia, wanting to get an International experience and were finally recruited by Indonesian Ministry of Youth and Sport to represent the Indonesian Youth in a program that they partnered with Canada World Youth.

It was September 2011 and this exchange program was at its 38th year. We had 2 weeks full of pre-departure training with the alumni in Jakarta as they expected we would be ‘ready’ to face the bittersweet of the 6 months program. 27 of us were divided in 3 groups who would live in 3 different communities, with each person would be paired with another Canadian youth as our counterpart, and each group would also be facilitated by a pair of Indonesian-Canadian project supervisors.

I was in the same group with Laksmi, Azis, Nadia, Fairuz, Anggoro, Amelia, Noval, and Dwi. Kak Asni was our project supervisor, she joined this program earlier in 2006 and Indonesian supervisor always had to be an alumnus of the program, just like her. We were supposed to live in Charlottetown, the capital of Canada’s littlest and eastern most province Prince Edward Island with environmental-focused project and volunteering.

The whole crew with the Chief of DPD RI – Irman Gusman

Other two groups were placed in Halifax and Truro, both in the province of Nova’s Scotia. The members of those groups might not really be that important to be mentioned, now. They will just naturally appear in the next posts through some incidents, if I feel like to.

Like Salam the member of Halifax group, right now. He just ran back from his room with a big bottle of chili sauce in his hand. “Can’t live without it!” he said.

Gisele had finished explaining about things I couldn’t even remember now. The short meeting was ended with an early dinner, at like 5 PM. Canadians had an interesting dinner time, I thought. Back in Pontianak, a city where I lived, I could just eat a bowl of noodle and would not call it as dinner and would eat a plate of rice and chicken 2 hours later, the meal that I would call as dinner. No wonder I weighted around 98kg.

Gisele distributed the dinner boxes. 2 big chicken breasts and french fries were in it. Without rice, of course, as this was unusual for the Indonesians to eat anything without rice and chili sauce. Some people were approaching Salam to get a bit of his chili sauce, I assumed that big bottle was his 3 months’ supply and decided not to ask for it. I did have my own in my luggage, but it was day 1 and that bitch Feby really loved challenge.

We finished eating and came back to our rooms as we had quite early flight the next day. But again, it was day 1. No matter how tired you were, you would not miss your very first North American night by sleeping. 10 of us were gathered in a room to discuss on what we called ‘group rules’, basically some bullshits of Do’s and Don’ts that we might not commit several weeks after.

Group Rules situation. It shows that we were not interested

I saw Wan Vina from Truro group changed her BBM profile picture at the downtown of Montreal, which was obviously the place where we should be at that very moment. We convinced Kak Asni that we should go around Montreal that night, as the very first group activity that we had never done before.

She agreed as we were all set and waited for the hotel’s shuttle to the bus station. And that’s how my group and I started to have our Canadian experience for the very first time.

# # #

Next Series: CWY Series 2 – Montreal Drama

Small Boy, Big Dream – You Won’t Understand

My blog posts haven’t been that useful in 2015. Excuses are better be left unsaid because to be honest, what am I defending for? I don’t have that much of blog followers on the first place.

Several weeks before it happened, I allocated some spaces in my brain to think of how I would spend the Christmas long weekend. This may sound exaggerating –you know, my life as usual– but I put a lot of thought in it. I was thinking of several options as, thank God, I live in a country where literally anywhere is beautiful. And for the sake of the memory, at the end I put the dot on my map to this place where several parts of my character was shaped. And then it became the travelling of a reminder. A reminder of what kind of person I was, a reminder what kind of person I wished I would become.

I hopped in to the bus around 12 PM that 24 December. I read from social media that the traffic was literally crazy, but yeah bitch, what would my life be without craziness? I was lucky that I could sit as the bus was literally full of people who were probably tired of the city, excited to see other places, or just simply missed home. Another man sat next to me, an ear phone was plugged in to his ears as he was sleeping unbotheredly, great skill.

I committed myself to do a digital detox; I would turn off any internet connection and be in the ‘real life’ during the trip. It was such a perfect timing as I did not really have to reply emails or did some other work related things, I just wanted to be a hippie –And I am not using this in a sarcastic term–, I would not care about anything else other than what I would actually be experiencing in those 4 days, and I expected that to be lovely.

But then life was always a bitch. Traffic was, to be exact. It took 11 hours to arrive in the town where it usually took only 5 hours to visit. It was an hour after midnight and the early morning was really cold at the bus station. Everything was basically the same at that station: several buses were lining up to drop the passangers, the corner stores were open with limited lighting, and many motorcycle and pedicab drivers offered everyone their transportation service, it did feel really nostalgic. But it was really different as I was just literally alone.

I asked one random driver to bring me to the nearest hotel for me to stay overnight. It took 2 places before there was an inn that actually had an available room for a lonely visitor to stay. The lady was extremely friendly to me and to another couple that I thought only wanted to stay there to have sex. You know I’m really judgmental.

The couple was disgusted by the shitty room as they went with a motorcycle in that cold morning but I guess I did not have any choice. Dirty might be a strong word but the room was so far to be said as proper, it was really ‘different’.

“I will change the sheet” Said the lady as like it would help the room to be more proper.

“This should be fun and nothing wrong with having a different experience” I convinced myself, and it was really sincere. That was supposed to be the travelling of a reminder and I reminded not to complain. Besides, I was tired anyways and I would not do anything but sleep and I would just leave in the morning.

I woke up around 10 PM the next day and as planned, immediately leave the inn to explore the city a little bit before continuing to the final destination. I took another pedicab and went to the downtown, looking around to re-feel the “city warmth”, tasted good local foods, and did a Friday prayer in the City’s Great Mosque – all by my own.

The digital detox was working perfectly fine as well. I talked to real people when I wanted to know the direction, or when I was waiting for the angkot , sort of a van that became a public transportation in most Indonesian cities. I knew more about the people and their background I was actually facing rather than spending my time looking at the phone screen and putting love on people-whom-I-don’t-actually-know on instagram pictures,  it just felt damn nice! I wish the people of Jakarta would be more friendly so everytime I talked to random people on the street, they would be more welcoming and would not think that I am capable of doing bad things to them.

After a full-hour of eye indulgence when I saw anywhere was nothing but prettiness, I arrived in my destination around 4 PM in the afternoon. I ran to my house, where I spent several time of my life with people I really cared about, and surprised everyone as I did not tell everyone that I would go ‘home’.

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“You look more handsome!” Ibu –The Indonesian nick for mother and as how I called my host mom– said. “Of course!” I replied. Typical me.

I had a great conversation with the members of the house, updating each other’s life and laughing the fool things we did that we could remember. I left the house for an afternoon walk before the sun set. That was the second Christmas day I spent in that place I called home.

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The sun almost set behind the green mountains. Everything still existed, the mural, the library (they even have a new one!), the village hall, the ram statue, the football court, and of course the ram fighting arena with its famous huts. I broke my heart that Christmas afternoon, right in the heart of Cikandang Village.

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Back in 2011, I had an international youth exchange where they put together 9 Canadian Youth and 9 Indonesian Youth in one group to live together in both Canadian and Indonesian community for several months and aimed for International relations, mutual understanding, cultural exchange, sustainable changemaking, youth leadership and other endless positivity.  We were placed in the city of Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island for the Canadian Phase and the village of Cikandang, a mountainous village in Southern Garut, West Java. We left the village at the end of the program around end of March 2012 with many beautiful memories.

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I have actually been back visiting the village after the program for three times with some other people, but the last time was in 2013, just right before I departed to Bahrain. So this visit was actually my first visit in 2 years, and the very first time when I came back literally alone in Cikandang.

My heart broke not because I haven’t moved on with my life. In fact, I did not even know what broke me inside to be exact. Maybe the fact that I was visiting with no friends or the reminder of how I envisioned the future-Feby in the past.

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I am really grateful of how my life turned after the program. I moved out from my hometown and I befriended great helpful people that gave me descent jobs in the capital city, Jakarta. I was blessed to have another opportunity to live in another foreign country, learning new stuffs and living in a total different culture, and especially at this time of my life when I was having my best job yet with lovely people around me, no reason to complain about life.

But something was missing….

And it was not my body fat, obviously. I did not know, It was maybe my attention to humanity, my sensitivity or my motivation to spread positivity.

Saying that I am not as a positive person as I was is too strong of an argument, especially it also indicates of how exaggerated I judged myself in the past. I mean, who claimed themselves of creating positive vibes by themselves? Maybe some people but I don’t think that’s my call.

Instead, I have the right to say something has definitely has changed. And honestly, until this particular word, I have no idea where this article will lead to and how it will end. Thoughts in my head are just like strings that can be straighten from earth to moon and back, but now it’s tangled. It became really messy that made it just as big as a tennis ball.

I was lucky to be born in a supportive family where my opinions and willingness are always heard and appreciated. The situation probably shaped my character to be a decisive individual and I always see the goal in any actions that I did. Every single one of them.

But I just felt that being adult is not that easy….

Life has always been a total player for every human in any ways possible. We undeniably have bigger burdens, big enough to think that the great master plans we always had suddenly became unconvincing. And as it probably got you, it might get me even harder.

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I spent 2 days in Cikandang and re-saw what myself particularly have contributed to that beautiful small area. It was probably intangible, I mean, the sidewalk marks that we hand-painted were not even there anymore. But seeing the exact same mural on the wall about not littering your garbage on the street or realizing that the blue colour or library wall haven’t changed since we dramatically decorated them made me smile a lot.

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My friends and I might not save the world or became a bunch of fairy godmothers and turned a poor girl to be a princess. But we clearly shared the same spirit. We were bunch of young people from major cities in both country and were placed in a village that was totally different with how we used to live, was a total slap in the face. Moreover, this opportunity did not just arrive in my lap in a silver platter. I fought for my spot to be there, to be the part of the team and I did not just start that because I was following the trend. I made some names for myself until those judges could decide that I deserved the spot.

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We sincerely loved the place and had the motivation that we could contribute positively to the village. At that time, the motivation was even bigger because we are entitled as “Youth of The World” which in overreacting version of me years ago, it meant really important as it led to do really important things to the world as well.

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And how I applied that in the life I had? I realized that volunteering and social movement was not a new thing. As I said, I was probably chosen to join the program because I was actively involved in those kinds of activity. And I used those learning process to be really pay attention of any actions I would contribute. I took every single opportunity to help things get better in the village seriously like I would live there forever. All with a very supporting environment from magnificent team member and locals. I sincerely had super strong willing to keep doing what I did until forever, somehow, somewhere.

But now it has been 4 years since that flame positivity burned me inside and outside. When you see myself right now and compare with what kind of person I told you before, your reaction might be really subjective because in reality, those plans haven’t worked, yet. Why? I wish I can say I don’t know but I clearly know the reason. Because it’s what life is about. Remember at that time you ordered a customized menu at the restaurant? You wanted double scoop of vanilla and chocolate ice cream and specifically wanted the vanilla scoop to be on top but the waiter came with the chocolate on top instead? You can plan, decide, or even manipulate how you wish your life be, but it’s not always up to you, it has never been, it will never be. The world and any single thing inside it work together like a pair of gear that makes certain action affects the others and that is not new information for anyone, I know.

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But we just sometimes forget about it, I often forget about it. And the reflection of it shows in our action. We can complain to the waiter who brought the wrong order of ice cream scoop or just accept and eat as it would taste the same, anyway. And that’s how I probably choose to respond the life world is offering me to.  I am not capable of fulfilling my dream 100% but I should be able to be patient and use any learning in my journey to be the ‘weapon’ of my future. I was probably part of the bigger gear who affected smaller gear in the program and I never wanted such habit to stop happening in any circumstances.

Nevertheless, the beauty of that mountainous village was just everything I needed last end of the year. This reminder, reflection, whatever you call it to make me realize of how grateful I am to be the person that I am now, and the person that  I will be. I was visiting the former head of village’s house and the family greeted me warmly. I had a nice conversation with them and heard them talking sincerely of how happy they were when we were there, joking around about funny things that happened in 2012. Rury, the eldest daughter was still in middle school back then and now she is a year away from University. She told me of how she planned to take International Relation in either University of Padjadjaran or University of Gadjah Mada, two major universities in Indonesia because of how she was inspired by the program that she was being involved with as the local. For the 5 years activities with around 90 youth in the period, irregardless the debatable sustainability and controversy it created. And that seriously made me smile a lot.

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I visited many places in the village where I liked to spend time with my friends and had great conversation with not just my host family but some other host families. You never realize of what impressions you could leave to certain community until you come back in quite some time and feel, really feel inside yourself of how joyful and peaceful your little heart to stand on the place where you usually stood. And I don’t want Cikandang to be the only place where I can feel that way.

Small boy, big dream. That I know.

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